


Returning to Watford

by angelsfalling16



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: A little bit of fluff, M/M, SnowBaz, baz has trouble sleeping, baz returns to their room, but it starts to get easier, in a flashback, it's lonely without Simon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 11:40:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17466893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsfalling16/pseuds/angelsfalling16
Summary: Baz returns to Watford after winter break, and he has to figure out how to be in their room without Simon there. He's lonely and misses Simon.





	Returning to Watford

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this Tumblr post: https://angelsfalling16.tumblr.com/post/182062020440/yknow-since-baz-went-back-to-finish-watford-after
> 
> Thank you @neck-mole for allowing me to use your idea!!

**Baz**

I’m standing outside the door of our room with my wand in my hand, ready to say that spell to reintroduce myself to the room, but I’m finding it much harder to move than I thought it would be. There are so many memories of me and Simon in this room, seven and a half years’ worth of them, and I don’t know if I’m ready to face them again. Alone.

I understand why he couldn’t come back, but I had to. I had to finish my education for my mother. It’s what she would have wanted from me. I didn’t really think about how it would be lonely here without him, though, without his usual rush of magic and harsh glares that I had gotten so used to.

He’s not like that anymore. He no longer has his magic, and his glares are more tired than harsh.

I take a deep breath and murmur the spell before the turning the knob and opening the door. The room is just as we left it. My side is immaculate and vacant because I packed most of things to take home with me over the break.

His side is just as messy as it always way. There is a discarded pile of clothing on the floor at the end of his bed. Books are stacked up on his desk, one of them open to the last thing that he was studying. His bed is unmade, and his wand is on the floor, having most likely fallen after he carelessly tossed it down the way he usually does when he returns from classes. It’s no wonder that he

I step towards my side of the room, careful not to cross the invisible that divides his side from mine. I head into the bathroom to change into my pajamas. I arrived late and didn’t feel like walking into the dining hall and have everyone stare at me. It isn’t as fun to make a grand entrance when Simon isn’t there. I take deep breath, attempting to calm my nerves. This is the only place where there are no memories of him. We’ve never been in here together.

When I exit the bathroom, my eyes fall on his empty desk chair. The chair where he sat everyday while he struggled with homework. I turn away from it, trying to stop thinking about how Simon isn’t here. It’s difficult. I love him, and I’m worried about him.

I take another deep breath, trying to see if I can catch his scent. It’s faint, but it’s there. His smoky scent.

Before getting into my bed, I throw open the window like he would have if he was here. Then, I crawl under my pile of blankets and roll over to face his bed. I imagine for a moment that I can see the outline of his sleeping figure and hear the sound of his breathing. This only makes me miss him more.

Sighing, I roll over and stare up at the ceiling. I think about Simon and what he’s doing right now. Is he sleeping? Is he having another nightmare? Is he still awake, sitting with Bunce on her couch?

I could text him and check on him. Headmistress Bunce lifted the ban on mobile phones at the beginning of the term. There is spell on the classrooms that keeps them from working inside of them, but we are allowed to carry them around with us.

I pick up my phone off the table beside my bed and open up the string of texts between me and Simon. It goes back a while. Sometimes, when he finds it really difficult to talk, to ask for help, he’ll text me. It’s easier for him than saying the words out loud.

The most recent text is from him, sent a few hours ago, around the time that I arrived back at Watford. Tomorrow is the first day of classes. I was supposed to arrive earlier this morning, but I couldn’t leave Simon. He’s staying with the Bunces, but I couldn’t get rid of this feeling like I was abandoning him. All of my things were packed into the trunk of my car. Simon had gotten up early to come over to Fiona’s flat to say goodbye to me. We won’t be able to see each other everyday with me at school and him still there.

He stepped into the flat, and I realized that I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to go back to Watford and finish the term, but I couldn’t do it thinking that Simon wouldn’t be okay.

When it came time for me to get in the car and leave, I felt rooted to the spot. Simon was hanging onto my hand, our fingers interlaced, and I didn’t want to let go.

“Are you okay?” He asked when I didn’t move.

“I can’t go.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t leave you.” I stared down at the ground as I said it.

“You’re not leaving me,” he said, squeezing my hand so that I would look up at him. “You’re going to school.”

“But I won’t be able to see you.”

He stood quietly, frowning, for a moment before the side of his mouth quirked up in a half-smile. It didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Are you trying to say that you’re going to miss me?”

“Of course, I will.”

“You can’t not go to school just because you’re going to miss me.”

“I know but—.”

“No buts. You have to go. I won’t let you quit school because of me.” I practically expected him to start pushing me out the door at that point.

“I’m not quitting. I just—. Spend the day with me, Simon,” I said, coming up with an idea.

“You have to go, though.”

“I can show up late. No one will care. I doubt anyone will even notice if I’m not there for the Welcome Back dinner.”

“I did,” he said quietly.

“What?”

“When you didn’t return in the fall, I noticed. I looked everywhere for you.”

I pulled him into my arms and held him close to me. I love him. I almost said it out loud, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I didn’t want to add to the heavy burden that he was already carrying. He didn’t need that. I could wait. I will wait.

When we pulled away, there was a small smile on his face. It made my heart race to know that I could make him smile amidst all the bad things that he was feeling. I love knowing that I can have a good effect on him now.

He doesn’t smile as much as he used to. It’s been difficult for him, even after the inquiry was over and no one was charged. He barely sleeps, and he refuses to eat a lot of the time. It’s utterly un-Simon like, but he’s still him. He just needs time, and I plan to give it to him. I won’t give up on him. He doesn’t have a lot in life, not even magic, but I want him to know that he has me. I don’t plan on ever leaving unless he truly wants me to.

I think he’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He lost his magic and Ebb and the person who was supposed to be his mentor. Now, he seems to be waiting for me and Penny to leave him, too. Back when it first happened, when he started talking again, he told us that we didn’t have to stay with him. He said that we could go. He didn’t want us to feel obligated to stay.

Neither of us feel that way. We want to be with him. We want to help him through this. We want to see him smile the way that he used to. We won’t abandon him.

We spent the day together, and it made it even harder to leave him. He offered to join me on the drive and take the train back home, but I knew that he wasn’t ready to return to Watford yet, so I told him that I would be fine. I wasn’t going to force him to come back here before he was ready.

The drive was lonely and quiet, and now so is our room. It’s too quiet. I miss him.

I start to type out a text to him, asking him if he’s still up, but I delete it. I can’t text him every time that I miss him, or I would never stop. I just need to get used to it. Maybe not used to it, but I have to find a way to stay in our room without bothering him. I set my phone back on the table, face down, and close my eyes.

I toss and turn all night. The room is too quiet with just me in it. It feels too big, like it’s missing something. It is. It’s missing Simon.

I finally give up on trying to sleep at around six in the morning. This is the time that Simon usually woke up. He liked beating everyone down to breakfast for whatever reason. I check my phone but there are no texts or missed calls from Simon. Hopefully that means that he didn’t have any nightmares last night and not that he just didn’t want to bother me. I consider calling him before I take a shower, but if he’s asleep, I don’t want to wake him.

Sighing, I set my phone back down and head into the en suite to take a long shower before heading down to breakfast. I’m not hungry, but I join Dev and Niall anyway. They were upset at first that Simon and I were together but only because I didn’t tell them how I felt sooner and because I didn’t tell them the real reason that I was so interested in him.

They greet me, and I nod a silent hello. I pour myself a cup of tea but don’t drink it. I find my eyes drifting over to the table where Simon usually sits, eating inordinate amounts of food. I miss his blue eyes that found my grey ones across the room. I wish he was here so that we could trade snarky remarks and glares. But we don’t do that anymore. Well, we don’t do it as often, and it’s done more out of love than hate now.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, so I pull it out. It’s a text from Simon.

_Good morning, Baz. Have a good day in class._

I feel myself smiling at the fact that he sent me a good morning text. I look up, and Dev is watching me with raised brows and a knowing look. I shrug at him and text Simon a quick response before standing up to head out. I need to go feed before the first class. I should have done it last night, but I was more concerned with getting settled back into my room.

***

It’s hard to focus during my classes, and it isn’t because I’m too busy thinking about Simon. I can barely keep my eyes open, and nothing the teachers are saying is new to me. They’re mostly reviewing what we over during the previous term. On numerous occasions, either Dev or Niall has to lean over to bump my arm so that I don’t fall asleep. I’m grateful for that because I don’t need any of our teachers worrying that I can’t handle being here in class. I’m just going to have to find a way to get more sleep.

When classes are finally over for the day, I head back to Mummer’s House, done with today. I just want to collapse into bed and forget about everything else.

It’s harder being back here than I thought it would. Not much has changed, but everything is different.

I change out of my Watford uniform into something more comfortable before collapsing onto my bed. I can’t keep my eyes open but sleep still evades me. I give up again when my phone vibrates where I left it on my desk. I don’t get up immediately, and it vibrates a second time.

I walk over to it slowly and pick it up. I have two text messages from Simon. The first one just says _hey_. The second one makes me frown. _Are you okay?_

_I’m fine_ , I text back. My sleep-deprived brain is slow to wonder why he’s asking me this. He didn’t just ask me how I was doing. The way that he phrased the question makes it seem like he’s worried about me, so I ask _why?_

It takes him a moment to respond. The three dots appear on my phone screen, and I sink down onto the edge of my bed, waiting.

_Dev said you seemed really tired. More than usual._

Since when are Dev and Simon friends? And why didn’t I know about it until now?

_I couldn’t sleep last night._

The three dots appear again as he types out a response, but then his face pops up on my screen with an incoming call.

“Hello,” I say quietly, answering it.

“Hey.” It’s nice to hear his voice. We’re both quiet for a moment. “Why couldn’t you sleep?” He asks finally.

I don’t want to tell him the truth. I don’t want to admit that I couldn’t sleep because he wasn’t here even though it’s the truth.

I look over to his side of the room while I listen to the sound of his breathing.

“Baz?”

Screw it. I cross the invisible line that divides our room. I crawl under the covers of his bed and breathe in. It smells like him.

“I’m here,” I murmur into the phone, yawning.

“Baz, what’s wrong?” He sounds concerned, and I feel bad.

“I just miss you, Simon” I admit quietly. I turn the speaker on and set my phone on his pillow next to my head. I pull his blankets up to my chin, reminding myself that no one will walk in here and see me when I start to worry what people will think of this.

“I miss you, too, Baz.”

Neither of us speaks, but we don’t need to. It’s nice knowing that he’s on the other side of the phone. It’s almost like he’s lying next to me. Almost. I yawn, feeling my eyes drooping shut. I should hang up before I fall asleep.

I listen to the sound of his breath and press my face against his pillow. I miss him so much it hurts. I wish he was here with me. I wish that I could wrap my arms around him and hold him close. I want to tell him that we’ll be okay, but I’m too tired. I can’t seem to make my mouth move to shape words. I yawn again and feel myself drift off into sleep.

***

When I wake up, I smell the scent of smoke, like bacon. I open my eyes and slowly realize that I fell asleep in Simon’s bed. Not only that, but I slept really well. I look at the window, and it’s dark outside. I don’t know how long I was asleep for, but I definitely missed dinner.

I pick up my phone and try to turn it on, but it’s dead. I should go plug it in, but it’s warm and comfortable in Simon’s bed. I don’t want to get up yet. I breathe in his scent once more. The mix of smoky sweetness feels my nose, and I realize that I’m hungry.

I haven’t eaten anything since the other night when I had dinner with Simon before making the drive to Watford. I don’t need to eat food that often, but I do still need to eat.

Reluctantly, I slide out of his bed, leaving it rumpled the way that he would have if he was here. I plug my phone in before slipping into some shoes and grabbing my jumper. I exit our room – it is still our room even if he isn’t here – trying to be quiet even though there are no other rooms on this floor. Everyone else is still asleep, and the kitchen is probably closed. I have a spare key, though. My cousin, Cook Pritchard, gave it to me during my first year when she realized that I didn’t like eating in front of other people. She didn’t want me to starve, so she said that I was welcome to anything in the kitchen if I wanted to come in while it was closed.

I’ve rarely used the key, but right now, I’m glad that I have it. I search through the shelves and try not to think about the fact that if Simon was here, he would be searching for leftover scones. I finally decide on an apple and some crackers with peanut butter. I consider taking it all back to my room and eating in there, but I end up choosing to stay here and eat. I eat slowly, not seeing any reason to hurry back to an empty room. When I’m finished, I clean up, hiding any evidence that I was there and head out, locking the door behind me.

The sky is starting to lighten as the sun begins its steady rise. I walk back towards Mummers House, hoping to be hidden away in my room again before anyone else wakes up. I’m not hiding from the other students exactly, seeing as that would be virtually impossible, but I prefer not having to converse with them unless I absolutely have to. Plus, they all seem to have questions about Simon and everything that happened over the break.

They don’t know anything about me and Simon, but after hearing what happened, they assumed – correctly – that I would know what was going on. I don’t know if it’s because I was there or just because they assume that being Simon’s roommate – former roommate, I remind myself – means that I have all the answers. I managed to dodge most of their questions yesterday with help from Dev and Niall, but I already know that this is going to be a tiring term unless I can find a way to get them off my back.

I don’t check my phone until after I’ve gotten dressed for the day. I power my phone back on and smile as a notification pops up, showing that I have a text from Simon.

_I guess you fell asleep, but I stayed on the line until the call ended. I think your phone died. I hope you sleep well. Call me again tomorrow if you want. I miss you, and I can’t wait until you come and visit this weekend._

Technically, we aren’t supposed to leave school grounds without a guardian or teacher with us, but I doubt anyone would try to stop me. They probably wouldn’t stop me if they noticed anyway. Not after everything. The teachers were worried about me returning because they felt that I needed more time, but I insisted on returning to graduate with the rest of my class. I wasn’t going to let the Mage take anything else away from me. I was determined to return and finish my schooling on time.

I reread Simon’s text and smile at my phone for an embarrassingly long time before sending him a good morning text. I still miss him, but maybe this term won’t be so bad after all. I’ll just have to find a way to carry on.


End file.
